Wire Taps

Warning – these songs are extremely stupid and possibly offensive.  Only listen if you have the maturity of a 12 year old.

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Polka Police – Grab Your Wiener Let’s Polka! (album)

  1. Grab Your Wiener Let’s Polka! – words and music by Sgt. Squeezebox
  2. Can’t Stop Peein’ – Polka Police parody of Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey
  3. Nachos Vegan Style – Polka Police parody of Gangnam Style by PSY
  4. Poke A Polka – Polka Police parody of Rock’n Roll Part 2 by Gary Glimmer
  5. Polka in The Boys Room – Polka Police parody of Smokin’ In The Boys Room as performed by Mötley Crüe
  6. Sweet Tooth – words and music for Sweet Tooth by Lt. Lederhosen.
  7. Scratch Your Behind – Polka Police parody of Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
  8. Free Ballin’ – Polka Police parody of Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty
  9. Polka Sucks – Polka Police parody of Thunderstruck by AC/DC
  10. Hey We Want Some Polka – Polka Police parody of Hey we want some P–Sy by 2 Live Crew
  11. Oh Ja Polka – Polka Police parody of Liechtensteiner Polka by Will Glahé
  12. Eat The Corn – words and music by Sgt. Squeezebox
  13. Hump – Polka Police parody of Jump by Van Halen
  14. Introductions
  15. Jamie’s Curls – Polka Police parody of Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield and Song 2 by Blur
  16. I Like My Women Old – Polka Police parody of I Love Rock ’n Roll by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts and Funk #49 by James Gang
  17. Black Dog Chicken Dance – Polka Police parody of Black Dog by Led Zeppelin and The Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas
  18. Flick It Off – Polka Police parody of Shake It Off performed by Taylor Swift
  19. Wet Willie – Polka Police parody of Black Betty by Ram Jam and Yakety Sax – the Benny Hill Theme by Boots Randolph
  20. K.Y. – Polka Police parody of Slow Ride by Foghat
  21. Polka Man – Polka Police parody of Iron Man by Black Sabbath and Working Man by Rush
  22. Cleveland Steamer – Polka Police parody of Pennsylvania Polka as performed by Frank Yankovic

 

Polka Police – Grab Your Wiener Let’s Polka! (singles)

  1. Grab Your Wiener Let’s Polka! – Polka Police
  2. Can’t Stop Peein’ – Polka Police parody of ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey
  3. Nachos Vegan Style – Polka Police parody of Gangnam Style by PSY
  4. Polka in The Boys Room Medley – Polka Police parody of Parody of Rock’n Roll Part 2 by Gary Glimmer, Smokin’ In The Boys Room as performed by Mötley Crüe, Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond, words and music for Sweet Tooth by Lt. Lederhosen.
  5. Free Ballin’ – Polka Police parody of Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty
  6. Polka Sucks – Polka Police parody of Thunderstruck by AC/DC, Hey We Want Some Pu**y by 2 Live Crew, and Liechtensteiner Polka by Will Glahé
  7. Eat The Corn – Polka Police
  8. Hump – Polka Police parody of Jump by Van Halen
  9. Jamie’s Curls – Polka Police parody of Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield and Song 2 by Blur
  10. I Like My Women Old – Polka Police parody of I Love Rock ’n Roll by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts and Funk #49 by James Gang
  11. Black Dog Chicken Dance – Polka Police parody of Black Dog by Led Zeppelin and The Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas
  12. Flick It Off – Polka Police parody of Shake It Off by Taylor Swift
  13. Wet Willie – K.Y. – Polka Police parody of Black Betty by Ram Jam and Slow Ride by Foghat
  14. Polka Man – Polka Police parody of Iron Man by Black Sabbath and Working Man by Rush
  15. Cleveland Steamer – Polka Police parody of Pennsylvania Polka as performed by Frank Yankovic

 

 

1. Grab Your Wiener Let’s Polka
Lyrics and music by Sgt. Squeezebox

Hey everybody! Grab your wiener! Let’s polka!

Hot Dog, corn dog, chili dog, frank, Slim Jim, hot link, never mind the stank
Breakfast link or patty, little smoky, foot long, size don’t matter, come on get it on
Bratwurst, bockwurst, blutwurst, all the rest, mettwurst, knackwurst, liverwurst you’re the best

They’re hot off the grill, it’s no joke-a Grab your wiener let’s polka
Take a big bite but don’t choke-a Grab your wiener let’s polka

Polish, Italian, Vienna let’s go south of the border to get some chorizo
Salami, pastrami, bologna you’re for me, braunschweiger, banger, come on grab a weenie
Kielbasa, summer sausage, Oscar Myer, Plumper, Ball Park, Hormel, any old Frankfurter

They’re hot off the grill, it’s no joke-a Grab your wiener let’s polka
Slip in a bun, it’s still a smoke-a Grab your wiener let’s polka
Take a big bite but don’t choke-a Grab your wiener let’s polka
Looks so good you might stroke-a Grab your wiener let’s polka
Grab your wiener
Grab your wiener
Grab your wiener … let’s polka!

2. Can’t Stop Peein’
Parody of Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey

When I get in a car
You know I won’t make it very far
I’ve got to stop and pee everywhere
Before I get on a plane
I need to drain the main vein
Can’t wait to urinate ‘til I’m in the air

Enlarged prostate
Doc says I need to masturbate
That’s why the pee ain’t goin’ anywhere

I need a pee stop people
If I wait it gets too hard to hold it
Feels like I will die
I need to p.p. in a urinal
It’s gonna be a golden shower
Whizzin’ feels so good I could cry

Can’t stop peein’
I used to hit the ceilin’
Now I barely have any flow
Can’t stop peein’
Even when I’m dreamin’
Seems like I always have to go
Can’t stop!

3. Nachos Vegan Style
Parody of Gangnam Style by PSY

It’s late at night and I really want some nachos
Nothing else will do not even a chicken taco
But, I’ve got no cheese. No, I’ve got no queso
But, I really, really want some nachos

I want some nachos (yeah)
I want some cheese and chips and salsa
I want some nachos (yeah)
Give me the pickled jalapenos
I want some nachos (yeah)
Give me the jalapeno poppers
I want some nachos (yeah)
I want some nachos (yeah)

Do you want beef? (No)
Do you want pork? (No)
Do you want beans? (Yeah)
Well, I don’t know. (Oh, yeah)
Do you want beef? (No)
Do you want pork? (No)
Do you want beans? (Yeah)
Do you want beans? (Yeah)
Do you want beans, beans, beans, beans
Bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean,
B, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, beans?
Nope, nachos vegan style.

Hey, cheesy gravy
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nachos vegan style.
Hey, cheesy gravy
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nachos vegan style.

Do you want beef? (No)
Do you want pork? (No)
Do you want beans? (Yeah)
Well, I don’t know. (Oh, yeah)
Do you want beef? (No)
Do you want pork? (No)
Do you want beans? (Yeah)
Do you want beans? (Yeah)
Do you want beans, beans, beans, beans
Bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean,
B, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, beans?
Nope, nachos vegan style.

4. Poke A Polka
Parody of Rock’n Roll Part 2 by Gary Glimmer

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Polka (polka), Polka (polka)
Polka (polka), Polka (polka)
Poke a polka, poke a polka, poke a polka, poke a polka

5. Polka in The Boys Room
Parody of Smokin’ In The Boys Room as performed by Mötley Crüe

Ever had to go so bad you thought you were going to explode?
Well, that used to happen to me all the time
‘Til I found a way to get out of it.
Let me tell you about it.

Sittin’ playin’ squeezebox lookin’ kinda sad
Look at my brother he knows I gotta go real bad
When break time comes I know what I’ll do
I’m goin’ down the all and go number two

I’ll be polka in the boys room
I’ll be a polka in the boys room
Now people don’t you tell me get off of that stool
‘Cause everybody knows that polka just ain’t that cool

Check out the T.P. make sure there’s still some squares
Lift up the lid gotta make sure there’s nothin’ there
Someone forgot to lift that seat
Now I gotta squat ain’t gonna sit where someone peed

‘Cause I polka in the boys room
I’ll be a polka in the boys room
Now people don’t you tell me get off of that stool
‘Cause everybody knows that polka just ain’t that cool

6. Sweet Tooth
Lyrics and music by Lt. Lederhosen

Got a sweet tooth baby and I’d like a little taste of your candy.
Got a sweet tooth baby and I’d like a little taste of your candy.
Your snowballs look delicious and I’d like to take a twist in your taffy.

I wanna dig into that mound of cotton candy down there. Down where? Down there.
I wanna dig into that mound of cotton candy down there. Down where? Down there.
Take it slow baby. I’ve got a sucker that we can share.

I’ve got a sweet tooth, sweet tooth baby.
I’ve got a sweet tooth, sweet tooth baby.
Got a sweet tooth baby and I’d like a little taste of your candy.

7. Scratch Your Behind
Parody of Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

When there’s an itch you might just have to scratch it.
‘Cause that feeling is so strong.
But if you itch that stinky thing from down under
You must not wait very long before you
Wash, wash your hands
Don’t reach out and touch me

Scratch your behind is not something that you should
It feels good, feels good, feels good
You may find you’re not feeling very good, oh, no, no.

Look to my right and you will see my brother
He fills it up when he goes number 2
But when it hurts he goes and sees his doctor
Why does it hurt when I make a P.U.?
Doc says, ‘Wash, wash your hands.
After you flush and go number two.’

Scratch your behind is not something that you should
It feels good, feels good, feels good
You may find you’re not feeling very good, oh, no, no.

8. Free Ballin’
Parody of Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty

Today is gym class and you forgot your jockstrap.
Today’s the day you’ve got to climb that rope.
Going commando, no, you’re not wearing nothing.
They’re gonna leave your gym shorts behind.

‘Cause we’re free, free ballin’
Yes, we’re free, free ballin’

Raise your hand to salute your two best friends.
Cup a little bit and bounce it to the left and the right gently.

Are you free ballin’, Yes, we’re free ballin’
Are you free ballin’, Yes, we’re free ballin’

‘Cause we’re free, free ballin’
Yes, we’re free, free ballin’

9. Polka Sucks
Parody of Thunderstruck by AC/DC

Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka

My bro was laying down a righteous beat. (Polka)
And he’s stomping on that suitcase sometimes with both of his feet. (Polka)
And I’m squeezin’, squeezin’ with all of my might
This dude right here comes up to me lookin’ like he wants to fight.

And we’re playing polka tunes
We figured how could we lose
Then he opened up his mouth
And these two words came out…

Polka sucks
Polka sucks
Polka sucks
Polka sucks
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah
Polka, ah, ah, ah, ah

10. Hey, We Want Some Polka
Parody of Hey we want some P–Sy by 2 Live Crew

Somebody say, ‘Hey, we want some polka.’
Some body say, (Hey, we want some polka.)
Somebody say, ‘Hey, we want some polka.’
Somebody say, (Hey, we want some polka.)

Well, me and my bro like play this game.
Some call it stupid others call it lame.
We both line up in a single file line and
We take our turn at shaking our behinds

Somebody say, ‘Hey, we want some polka.’
Somebody say, (Hey, we want some polka.)
Somebody say, ‘Hey, we want some polka.’
Somebody say, (Hey, we want some polka.)

11. Oh, Ja! Polka
Parody of the Liechtensteiner Polka by Will Glahé

Oh, Ja!
Oh, Ja!
Oh, Ja!
I’d really like to pet your kitty cat, your kitty cat, your little kitty cat.
Oh, Ja!
I’d really like to pet your kitty cat, your kitty cat, Oh, Ja!
Well, your kitty’s nice and fluffy and she likes to play all day.
When I think about you it makes me want to say.
Oh, Ja!
I’d really like to pet your kitty cat, your kitty cat, Oh, Ja!
Oh, Ja!
Oh, Ja!

12. Eat The Corn – words and music by Sgt. Squeezebox

Sit right down and I will tell you a tale
About a wondrous topic that never gets stale
A special plant that has two ears
So delicious you’ll want to hear
Corn looks the same coming in and out
the mystery of corn is what this song’s about
Native Americans called it maize
It’s a type of grass like what horses graze
Corn in my cereal, corn in my pop
Corns on my foot right on top
Corn in my gas tank, corn in my whisky
All this corny talk’s gonna make me feel frisky

Eat the corn
Eat the corn
Eat the corn from my ssshhh…

Ship a sailing on the sea
loaded with seeds for you and me
Not far away they’re doing nuclear testing
A blast from that bomb made the corn you’re a tasting
Made your corn flakes taste real good
So we chopped down the trees everywhere we could
Plant that corn in every nook and cranny
Corn’s all you need just go ask your granny

Eat the corn
Eat the corn
Eat the corn from my ssshhh…

Sheep like corn I think that’s true
I know that cows and pigs they do
Corn’s in most things that we eat
And In the cars we drive isn’t that neat?
I think we should eat just corn for every meal
Grow only corn in every field
Think about corn both day and night
Something so simple just has to be right

Eat the corn
Eat the corn
Eat the corn from my …

13. Hump
Parody by Jump by Van Halen

Can’t get up – I’m always hanging down.
You know it’s tough when you’re dragging on the ground.
But I know how good it would feel.
But you don’t know what will happen if you take three blue pills.

The doctor said to call if I was hard for any more than eight.
You know it sounds so great.
But it hurts to masturbate.

I just wanted to hump – HUMP!
Wanted to hump.
Why can’t I hump – HUMP!
Why can’t I hump?

‘Hey, you what’s down there?’
Don’t touch, Baby, just get the car.
I am so happy to see you but I need the ER.

The doctor said to call if I was hard for any more than eight.
You know it sounds so great.
But it hurts to masturbate.

I just wanted to hump – HUMP!
Wanted to hump.
Is it so wrong to hump? – HUMP!
No, it’s alright to hump.

14. Introductions

15. Jamie’s Curls
Parody of Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield and Song 2 by Blur

Jamie is my bro
You know he’s been a good bro of mine
Lately somethings changed it ain’t hard to define
Jamie’s got most of his hair and you see I’ve lost mine
I’m watch him with my eyes
If my hair had such body I’d run my fingers through it
And put on those curlers late, late at night

I want Jamie’s curls, I want Jamie’s curls, I want Jamie’s curls
Why can’t I grow some hair like that?

I tried all the Rogaine’s
Even the Hair Club for Men wouldn’t take
My cat started licking my head at night
She was looking for a mate and you know that’s not right
She’s watching me with her eyes
Rubbing me with her body can’t get used to it
Mounting my head late, late at night

I want Jamie’s curls, I want Jamie’s curls, I want Jamie’s curls
Why can’t I grow some hair like that?

I look in the mirror all the time
Wondering why my hair won’t grow
You think it’s funny but I think I might cry
I’ve got lots of curly hairs down below

Woo Hoo, Woo Hoo, Woo Hoo, Woo Hoo

I want Jamie’s curls, I want Jamie’s curls, I want Jamie’s curls
Why can’t I grow some hair like that?

16. I Like My Women Old
Parody of I Love Rock ’n Roll by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts and Funk #49 by James Gang

Saw her standing there with her oxygen machine
Knew she had to be about 90
HerLlgs look pretty strong
Do I see a thong?
Next we’re moving on her and me, yeah, me
I wish we’re getting it on her and me, yeah me, singin’

I like my women old
Put another hand on my squeezebox baby
I like my women old
Won’t you drop your cane and dance with me

She rolled right up to me with her electric wheel chair
My jaw dropped to the floor all I could do was stare.
She was smokin’ hot and I bet she knows a lot
About getting it on her an me, yeah me
I wish we’re getting it on her and me, yeah me, singin’

I like my women old
Put another hand on my squeezebox baby
I like my women old
Won’t you drop your cane and dance with me

I like my women old
Put another hand on my squeezebox baby
I like my women old
Come on drop your cane and dance with me

Cougars really like to play
They know what they’re doin’
Cougars know just what to say
You know they aren’t foolin’
Cougars
Cougers?

Next we’re moving on and, yes, she wears a thong
I next we’re movin’ on on her and me, yeah me, singin’
We’re getting it on and singing that same old song
Everybody sing it.

I like my women old
Put another hand on my squeezebox baby
I like my women old
Come on drop your cane and dance with me

17. Black Dog Chicken Dance
Parody of Black Dog by Led Zeppelin and The Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas

Hey, Hey, momma the way you strut and prance, gonna make me do the chicken dance
Oh, Oh, baby the way you flap your wings, gonna make me crow, wanna make you sing
Oh, Oh, baby when I hear you cluck, gonna make me quack just like a duck

I’ve got a babe likes to strut and prance. Jump on her eggs gonna make them hatch.
Oh, Oh, babe let’s get up in your nest. ‘Til my rooster crows won’t get no rest.
Come on babe won’t you cluck one time? We’ll do the chicken dance like it was a crime

Bock, bock, bock, bock
Bock, bock, bock, bock
Bock, bock, bock, bock
Bagock

Oh, baby, chicky baby, come on baby
Got to get you cluckin’ now
Oh, baby, chicky baby, come on baby
Do the Black Dog Chicken Dance

18. Flick It Off
Parody of Shake It Off performed by Taylor Swift

So you pick your nose
As long a no one knows
Who cares where it goes
That’s just how it goes
Sometimes they kinda stick
the thought can make you sick
Don’t you dare lick
I know a little trick

That thing is steaming
And it’s kinda creamy
Don’t you dare eat it
listen to me ‘cause
It’s gonna be all right

If you’ve got a booger and you don’t know what to do
Hanging on your finger like it’s made from super glue
Don’t you dare eat it cuz that just ain’t cool
Flick it off, Flick it off
That goober’s super huge, it’s something you can’t hide
It’s hard to believe that it came from your inside
Don’t you dare eat it cuz the time is do or die to
Flick it off, Flick it off

Hey, hey, hey
While you’ve been getting down two knuckles deep
You could have been getting down to this thick bean.
My big hand pulled out something grand
From my left nose hole now I’m gonna flick it
On the fella over there with the hella good hair
Why don’t you come on over Jamie so I can flick, flick, flick

19. Wet Willie
Parody of Black Betty by Ram Jam and Yakety Sax – the Benny Hill Theme by Boots Randolph

Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam
Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam
Wet Willie had a finger, lamba lam
He stuck it in my ear, lamba lam
But before that, lamba lam
He stuck it in his mouth, lamba lam
Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam
Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam

Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam
Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam
Wet Willie had a friend, lamba lam
Named Purple Nurple, lamba lam
I like Willie, lamba lam
Much better than Nurple, lamba lam
Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam
Oh, Wet Willie, lamba lam

20. K.Y.
Parody of Slow Ride by Foghat

K.Y. make it slippery
K.Y. make it greasy
K.Y. make it greasy
Astroglide even more slippery

I need some lube to make it feel right
Gonna head to the drug store.
Hope they’re open all night

K.Y. make it greasy
K.Y. make it greasy. Let’s go.
Oh, my, K.Y.
I just squirt K.Y. in my eye.
Wipe it off me.
Don’t want to go blind from K.Y.

(K.Y. frenzy to completion)

21. Polka Man
Parody of Iron Man by Black Sabbath and Working Man by Rush

I am Polka Man squeezing this box loud as I can
You try to cover your ears I play loud so you will hear
I am Polka Man playing polkas as fast as I can
You can run away but my polkas are here to stay

Nobody likes it
they just wish I would stop
But they’ll have to
They’ll have to call the cops

I get up at 7, yes, and I open my squeezebox at 9
It seems to me that I’m playing polkas all the time
Seems to me I could live my life a whole lot better than I think I am
That’s why they call me the Polka Man
They call me the polka man
I guess that’s what I am
I’m the polka man
Wa, ha, ha, ha

22. Cleveland Steamer
Parody of Pennsylvania Polka as performed by Frank Yankovic

Close your eyes and plug up your nose
It’s called the Cleveland steamer
You may toss your lunch that’s just how it goes
Doin’ the Cleveland steamer
You need a shower but I’d head for the hose
Oh, now, my head is reelin’
Gonna get a real sick feelin’ if you do steamin’ in a town called Cleveland

Turn out the lights and take off your shoes
Doin’ the Cleveland steamer
Just ask your partner they’ll know what to do.
Doin’ the Cleveland steamer
It started out one, it’s coming out two Oh, my head is reelin’
You’re gonna need a shot of penicillin if you do steamin’ in a town called Cleveland

While they’re steaming everybody’s clothes are quickly gone
I saw peeing this goes on and on until the dawn.
So disgusting evil laughter, stinky as can be
They stop to grab a towel the crowd begins to howl
They hurl and then they start to steam again.

Turn out the lights and plug up your nose
Doin’ the Cleveland steamer
You may lose your lunch that’s just how it goes
Doin’ the Cleveland steamer
I’d head for the shower but need the hose
Oh, now, my head is reelin’
Gonna get a real sick feelin’
if you do steamin’ in a town called Cleveland
Your gonna need a shot of penicillin if you do steamin’ in a town called Cleveland
Your skin’s just gonna be peelin’ if you do steamin’ in the town called Cleveland
Steam on!